“F*ck the Tough Guy Show” Revisited
A lot of men and women doing tough jobs are ready to move past “the tough guy show.”
That’s my hopeful takeaway from the workshop I co-led earlier this year on harmful, macho attitudes in the ski industry, and how to lead in healthier ways.
My partner Jay Rydd and I wanted to deepen the conversation we started last year, when we co-designed a similar session for the Lift Maintenance & Operations Education Conference (LMOE).
And the 70-plus people who attended this year’s workshop at the Palisades resort in Lake Tahoe, Calif. were eager to engage with us. They got to the heart of outdated, dangerous notions of masculinity. They challenged the “confined” version of manhood that tells men–and the women trying to succeed in a male-dominated field–to bottle up emotions and avoid any sign of “weakness.” An unhealthy manhood that hurts team performance and may have contributed to suicides in the ski industry.
A breathtaking, heart-breaking moment came near the beginning of the workshop. Jay asked folks in the room to raise their hands if they knew someone who’d taken their own life. All but two people raised their hands. Jay then asked how many knew a co-worker who’d committed suicide. More than half raised their hands again.
Jay raised his hand both times. In fact, he was the reason we were there. Two years ago, Jay had attended an LMOE workshop I co-led about effective teams. When we started talking about the importance of “psychological safety” — a climate where team members feel comfortable being real and honest about how they’re doing–Jay spoke up.
Jay, Mountain Operations Manager at Diamond Peak resort in Nevada, said two male employees had committed suicide in the previous 18 months. And he believed part of the reason was the pressure on men to pretend everything is fine even when we’re hurting deeply.
“F*ck the tough guy show,” Jay said, his voice shaking with anger and sadness.
That comment led Jay and me to develop our LMOE session last year. We used Jay’s striking words in the title, and then again to name this year’s follow-up session: “F*ck the Tough Guy Show Revisited: How to Lead a Healthy Culture.”
We heard striking stories in the session. The mostly men in the ski lift maintenance and operations field had just finished a brutal year. Immense amounts of snow and difficult commutes led to long hours, hard work in blizzard conditions and high levels of burnout. The difficult season may have helped the lift professionals open up. One man shared that he’d had suffered a head injury on the job, followed by a leg wound on another work task. He was still trying to recover.
A young man revealed the harm that can come from conventional masculinity. He said a childhood friend of his died, and he’d suppressed the sadness of the loss — having been raised to be a stoic “cowboy.” That led to drinking and risky behavior that culminated in a scary fireworks accident. He lost a lot of blood and had to be rescued from the desert.
Women made up about 20 percent of the workshop participants. But they shared some of the most powerful anecdotes. One woman said she strives to have an “open door” policy for her colleagues to come in and talk anytime. She offers everyone tea, along with her empathy. Not long ago, she said, a male colleague called her on the phone and talked about feeling overwhelmed. She may have saved his life. “He’d been planning to drive his truck into a creek,” she said.
The room broke out in applause.
It isn’t surprising that this woman and other women in the ski industry play a caregiving role to colleagues. Compassion remains largely gendered, with women encouraged to support others while men can look “soft” or “weak” if they engage in care.
Thankfully, that’s changing. Across society and the ski industry in particular.
Jay Rydd is among the men in the industry stepping forward and boldly claiming care and connection as the province of men. Under his leadership, for example, Diamond Peak conducted suicide prevention training for its staff.
During our LMOE session, Jay shared that the training emphasized asking a difficult question. “If you think someone might be thinking of taking their life, ask them,” Jay said. He and his staff learned that the bluntness and risk of planting a dangerous seed is outweighed by helping someone get help in time.
One key point of this year’s session was how to navigate all the emotions that come up when you try to make space for employees to share how they’re really doing.
Jay and I stressed knowing our limits as leaders when team members have mental health challenges. This includes referring employees to resources such as employee assistance programs and the national suicide phone hotline–988–as well as getting support from your own leaders.
At the same time, Jay and I challenged the leaders in the workshop to “go first” in creating a climate of psychological safety. Research shows that such a culture is vital to productivity besides people’s mental wellbeing. To foster psychological safety, leaders have to demonstrate vulnerability themselves. That gives team members permission to be real and candid.
Jay and I tried to walk our talk. I told the story of having a heart attack two years ago followed by a dark period of anxiety, and how I’ve recovered with the help of counseling, medication and the support of family, friends and colleagues.
Jay then told the story of losing his beloved dog three weeks prior to the LMOE event.
Or rather, Jay tried to tell the story. He couldn’t get the words out. He choked up in front of 70 or so of his peers, a beautiful photo of him and his dog of 15 years on the room’s giant screen.
Thankfully, Diamond Peak’s ski patrol director and safety coordinator, Kari Brandt, was in the room. Kari told the story, including how Jay acknowledged to his staff that he needed to take time off to grieve the loss.
I asked for a show of hands: “how many of you have bosses who would be as vulnerable as Jay?”
More than half the room raised their hand.
I was surprised and heartened.
More and more men and women in a notorious tough industry, it seems, are ready to “f*ck the tough guy show.”
