3 Steps for Men to Heal Career Wounds
I was steaming mad.
A few years ago, my request for a promotion to vice president was rejected. Not only that, but I was effectively demoted. An outside candidate was hired to be my boss.
It took a few days for me to realize my anger was a mask for anguish. For the shame I felt for failing to measure up as a professional man.
It was the most painful wound of my career. Yet I’ve managed to heal from it. And my experience points toward a path for others like me to recover from professional set-backs.
Here are 3 steps for men to heal from career wounds:
- Feel the Pain.
One of the biggest challenges we have as men in the workplace is denying our suffering. The traditional “confined” masculinity most of us grew up with tells us that admitting we hurt is to be weak. Instead, we demonstrate one of the few sanctioned emotions for men: anger. Just as I did when I didn’t get the VP position.
But you can’t heal a wound if you don’t clean it out. That may require tears of sadness. When we cover up the pain with rage, we end up with an injury that festers. That harms us and everyone around us. Hurt people hurt people.
2. Practice Self-Compassion.
Once we’ve allowed ourselves to feel our hurts at work, the next step is to practice self-compassion. This means taking action to alleviate the pain. Compassion and self-compassion haven’t historically been in our manly toolkit. But we can add them.
We can be kind to ourselves. If we’re beating ourselves up over a work task we could have done better, we can pause the negative self-talk. And we can get our friends involved–tell them we’re down and could use some consoling.
I did this when I didn’t get the VP job. At first I was ashamed to reach out. But the loving support I received soothed my inflamed pride. Settled my soul.
3. Widen the Lens.
If you’ve taken the first two steps, chances are you’re well on the way to healing your workplace wound. If there is any unfair treatment of you, you’re better able to see it. That is where this third step comes in. To see the situation more clearly, we need to widen the lens.
We need to acknowledge privilege we may possess–especially as white men–and the way it may cloud our judgment.
My judgment was quite cloudy, for example, when I was gunning for that VP position. My CEO asked me why I deserved a promotion over several others at my same level–a number of them women of color. I had no good answer. These women were crushing it. I adored them and didn’t want to advance at their expense.
It was a window into the entitled, self-absorbed attitude I had. One I think many of us white men have had. We can change that by looking beyond ourselves. It can speed healing. It did so for me.
A Painful Time for Men at Work
In fact, my excruciating experience became a blessing in disguise.
Once I felt my hurt, got comforted and saw the situation more accurately, I realized I wanted to strike out on my own. I heard a calling to reinvent masculinity and build soulful workplace cultures. I ended up leaving that organization on good terms, and have been making my way as an independent author, speaker and consultant ever since.
My path isn’t for all men. But all men suffer slings and arrows at work. And all men can benefit from attending to their workplace wounds in wise ways.
We’re now witnessing a backlash to the diversity, equity and inclusion movement. A claim that corporate “wokism” is hurting white men.
I believe the backlash is misguided.
But the hurt underneath it is real.
And if men truly heal their workplace wounds, we’ll all benefit.
